THE LIE OF “FEELING SEEN”
The lie perpetuating “feeling seen” frustrates and immobilizes with misdirection of values.
Let’s walk a tightrope between validation and deconstruction, a tightrope not for the essential truth of the claim, but for how it’s morphed, how it’s addressed, and how it’s personalization has become a cudgel against its critics. The lie is difficult to pinpoint for it’s rooted deep within an undeniable truth, a universal aspect of the human condition experienced in various manner across countries and demographics. Once, it was the province of men of history, great leaders, war heroes, inventors, and others driven to impact and change. Today, like all else, it’s claimed, dissected, and hawkishly pursued across social and economic strata. At a time when anyone can hold a camera in hand and beam an image to the four corners of the globe, people struggle to be seen.
Attempts to navigate and gain notice within the un-chartable galaxy of online content is a condemned formula which speaks for itself. There’s more text, video, and images than can be seen, let alone consumed, over several lifetimes, so it’s unsurprising people feel lost and adrift. Obsessiveness over needing to feel seen is an expected outcome of current technological advancements coupled with the destruction of community, family, and meaning. In an era when most people choose their screens over most else, it’s obviously difficult to catch someone’s eye.
The refutation is not that people want to be seen, to have an impact, to mean something in this life and to the people they care about. There’s no contention that a person takes comfort and encouragement in feeling seen, in outside affirmation that they’re not simply drifting through life or have been shunted to the world’s peripheral. There’s something deeply jading about never being acknowledged, about that life-jarring realization that someone entered stage right and exited stage left decades later without anyone the wiser, about an honest musing if someone’s life made a difference to anyone. Like most other aspects of modern society, there are real concerns to the cause and effects of invisibility beneath the rotted wood keeping this raft-of-notice afloat about the self.
Of course, at an extreme end are loud and adamant demands for attention stemming from hyper self-centeredness. At the other end are those who can’t melt into the background enough. Somewhere betwixt is a healthy range of individuals who don’t need awards or parades but, admitted or not, appreciate acknowledgement of labor and contribution. At home, at work, pertaining to excellence or innovation in a particular field or hobby, for feats large or small, the appreciation, and thereby sense of feeling seen, sidelines the ever-present threat of meaninglessness and creeping suspicion that living is no more than shouting into a vacuum.
Often, the need to feel seen is automatically filled, and thereby circumvented, in healthy, appreciative relationships across settings. Interaction, discussion, respect, regard, consideration are all important factors in this formula, and are also usually present in some form, to some extent in healthy, appreciative relationships. Someone frequently derided by friends, degraded by coworkers, et al, is probably not in a healthy situation and likely struggling with a sense of self, his own self the greatest, least forgiving critic. Someone acknowledging the contribution or effort or difference made today provides some measure of confirmation that it was not all for naught.
The brutally blunt, less compassionate response is that a healthy dose of self-examination is in order to determine if perhaps the one demanding to be seen is also responsible for not being seen, either (a) for the attitude of demanding to be seen, or (b) because there’s nothing to see here, folks! Moreover, anyone who has time to worry about feeling seen, evaluate and articulate its impact, let alone pontificate on who or what’s to blame has too much time on hand and should find meaningful avenues to engage the mind, body, and soul. Someone busy acting, helping, accomplishing doesn’t have time for such ruminations. Someone grounded on his own two feet, steered by conviction of purpose and knowledge that a Force greater than any man woke him today needs less to feel seen and more to be successful and accomplished for such is owed for what he has. Either way, action and productivity bar against the dooming sense of naught.
A more compassionate, and still honest, response is that from a standard, healthy perspective, however it’s phrased, there is something to this need to feel seen. To accept that notice and appreciation have bolstering effects, encouraging further pursuit of behaviors deemed laudable or beneficial. Wherein then is the lie? What value has been subverted for that which is recognized as part of the human condition for millennia, even if we’ve only declared it a need now?
The contention lies not within the innate desire to be noticed, but in its warping from result into mindset and goal unto itself. It’s negating an appreciated side effect for actions done to demand that no matter what a need must be filled for any expectation of healthy functioning. Although, not every need manifests at its healthiest and best, which is cause for so many issues of the day. The lie inherent within “feeling seen” is embedded in its pursuit and expectation, not its effect or bestowal. And never mind the credence given to a feeling, of all things, which can hardly be relied upon as an accurate or consistent gauge for enduring human activity. How much seeing measures as enough if fickle emotion is the barometer?
That someone wants to be seen for work or accomplishment is understood (says the writer). For every other circumstance, what drives this need? Why do you want so much to be seen? What about you do you want seen?
“Me! I want you to see me!” But what does that mean? Who is this “me”? What does “me” look like? Is this two-letter word, is a singular look, really enough with knowing how much you have to offer? When did feeling seen become equated with validation and confirmation of existence? As if knowing of my own existence isn’t enough if someone else doesn’t confirm, “Here you are!”
Of course, demoted Pluto must make a cameo, as it persists in its existence as a planetary entity of some sort regardless of current scientific categorization. Moreover, it was here well before and will last long after the scientists who never set foot upon it nor can figure out how to classify it. Feeling seen does not measure or create talent, opinion, contribution, emotion. Like Pluto, all these exist regardless of notice, so what is it about someone noticing that wards off purposelessness, boosts confidence, and makes everything better overall?
Well, are you demanding to be seen because, like so many other things, you need to be seen, so you believe you deserve to be seen, which, like so many other things, lands in the domain of the narcissist? Are you doing something that’s worthy of being seen? If what you’re doing is worthy of notice, but not being noticed, does that stop you from doing it? Are you accumulating fulfillment or are you chasing another digital heart, thumbs up, or set of eyes from someone you may never meet?
As with most other contentions of previous essays about love, care, and deserving, such concentrated focus on the self is even less healthy than the need that birthed it. The highly popular, award-winning musical Dear Evan Hansen almost got it right in addressing the loneliness of not being seen in the digital age. The assertion, however, that “You Will be Found” may be encouraging and relatable but misses a very important mark. The song assures that when things seem bleak, just wait, because someone will find you. Eventually. A nice sentiment perhaps, but not a very helpful one. Certainly not one which stimulates any definitive action.
To say, the lie of “feeling seen” has birthed the obsessive desire for validity from others and the truth can be found in actually, actively seeing others. Don’t wait around to be found, find someone else.
Rather than neurotic fixation on others seeing you, rather than taking comfort in promises of eventual exposure, un-immobilize from waiting for notice and actively start to see others. Not just random individuals through digital mediums, but real people in real life. Even if for no other reason than to help them avoid a similar experience of unappreciativeness and anonymity that you wrestle against. Notice the strengths, nuances, and contributions that only the unique cocktail of them can offer. Recognize the variation of the world and the people inhabiting it, the truth that we thrive and prosper when each knows their small part is consequential to the greater whole. Not from mere existence, but because there is a difference or contribution only they can make when they actually make it. Support and encouragement, as in notice, are the best, but not only, way for that to come about.
Most importantly, you cannot see, or be seen, if you will not look up. If you will not look for something or someone to see. Do not let others go unappreciated then wonder why no one sees you. Do not demand of others what you do not do yourself.
Although, there’s a catch. Seeing others may resolve your own need to be feel seen, but it’s no guarantee. And if you’re only noticing others with the intent of being seen yourself then prepare for disappointment and frustration. If your real goal is the boomerang effect you hope to elicit then you’re not truly seeing others but only seeking another angle for personal satisfaction. Remember, in all matters related to the self, turning inward is the province of refinement; turning outward is usually the path toward fulfillment.
Moreover, this can only work well when stemming from a personal conviction that needs no notice or outside validation. From an indisputable knowing that your purpose in this world does not rely upon others’ notice but on what’s owed to the One Who Woke you. And that same One woke every other person with the distinct desire for their presence and contribution in the world today. Likes on social media cannot replace that. Likes on social media are the shovels continually widening the endless abyss of need, while real, opened-eyed interaction with others obviates it.
True, it helps to be seen by others, but a Force bigger than any man is paying attention, and nothing escapes His notice. There are better ways to expend your mental and emotional energies, and knowing what you’re doing is aligned with a will greater than yours breeds trust that what needs to follow will. Such behavior is more in alignment with the true self that’s worth being seen, rather than the curated self projected for the world to see. It’s the anchor of the mind overruling the wind-tossed emotion of the heart.
Thus, the value of feeling seen lies not in your own fulfillment but, as with self-love, in your resolve to see others. Not because it will come back to you, but because it’s worth it.
Concurrently, a more glaring question must be addressed. If someone were to see you but a minute, if someone were to notice just one thing, what do you want seen? Would that be seen if someone looked right now?